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supporting survivors of rape and sexual abuse

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hide & seek

jason's story

now i am not ashamed!

my story

a client's story

fruition to butterfly

killing me softly

a letter

butterfly

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my journey

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p's letter

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in your skin

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dissociation

dustbin

enough's enough...fighting back!!

even though people may not believe

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hell

hitting a bad patch

i am not alone

i was a child

i survived

in my dreams

it will fade

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janet's socks

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last thing at night

listen to me

mama's coming home

my lament

new frontiers

one day

pervy pete

rose tinted spectacles

sometimes I lie awake

the untold truth

they're not all the same

true colours

waiting to exhale

what longs to be free

who am i

you, him and me

you

walk towards love

when the night leaves the mountains

when will it be time?

 

Jason's Story

 

My problems began as a child with a problematic mother-child bond, bed wetting, tantrums and (as we now know) dyslexia.

I was removed without any prior knowledge from my home by social services as I had been diagnosed as a “maladjusted child”, I had never been in trouble with the police and this is still true today. I arrived at the children’s home at the age of nine and stayed there until I was sixteen. I had, I now know been made a ward of court from the age of nine to eighteen.

By the end of the first week in the children’s home I was being beaten by those in charge of the home, by the second week I was so terrified I conformed to any order that was given to me. By the end of the third week of my stay I was being sexually abused by both men and woman. Most of these were professional people.

By the time I reached the age of twelve I had all my ribs broken and was now being sold as a child prostitute on the streets of London, Monday to Saturday, by those in whose care I was meant to be in. Not one social worker ever enquired about my wellbeing or indeed visited me. Any money I made in London was handed to my carers that night. I was also used in sexually explicit photographs and in many pornographic movies.

Being raped by men and women I had more knowledge of sex at the age of twelve than many twenty-one year olds, this can be described as I had knowledge of sex but no real sexual knowledge.

When I was sixteen I was literally kicked out of the children’s home still without seeing any social worker. I was warned by the paedophile ring, working out of the home, never to disclose what had happened there or I would be found and killed. I left the home unable to read or write and seriously angry, ashamed to the point of being unable to look people in the eyes.

I joined the Army and owing to my education I am not sure how I managed to get in, the Army taught me the very basics in reading and writing in my first few weeks there. As I was still obviously a very angry young man, the Army used this in my training and channelled my aggression to their advantage. Shortly after my training I volunteered for Special Forces training, after acceptance I passed out from this training eighteen months later. Within that training I specialised in explosives (home made) and weaponry, this was my trade. I served my time in the Army and with my aggression proved myself in various conflicts and earned myself medals.

During this time I had a failed marriage and many failed relationship owing to my aggression and lack of social skills.
In `civvies` street I could not hold down any job but held a pure hatred of gay people and little respect for women. This changed when I met my present wife and with patience encouraged me to learn a trade. So I went back to school where I trained as a motor mechanic and became fully qualified, she also encouraged me to continue learning and I went on and qualified as a marine engineer. My reading and writing skills were also beginning to catch up with the rest of my delayed education. My wife still continued to encourage me with continuing studies to the point when I had achieved thirty-two City & Guilds and had just been accepted into university. I began my training again to qualify as a teacher of engineering science. Part of this course consisted of child psychology, my tutor (without knowing my past) asked for a thesis to include the effects of child abuse on the child. Ironically I got top marks for this work. I graduated in 2004.

While my wife was encouraging me to learn a trade I also felt I would be able to begin to tell her about my past. She encouraged me to seek help and this point I did two things, one tell my Doctor the whole story and two speak to the Police in confidence. My Doctor spoke to a nurse and she wrote to the Lifecentre on my behalf a letter of instruction. I met a lovely lady [for Initial assessment] who listened to my story and offered me counselling from Lifecentre. I was incredibly grateful for the chance to off load the heavy burdens I had carried so long. My counsellor was superb. He did not judge me at all and was totally supportive. If the Lifecentre had not helped me, my prospects could have been grim, to the point where I may have become a drug addict, addicted to alcohol, imprisoned or in a pine bow.

The only advice I would like to give is: talk to somebody you know you can trust. Don’t leave it, as carrying a secret like this will eat away at your insides.

On the Police front, all parties including social services pleaded guilty in a court of law and this has been dealt with accordingly.

I am now teaching and have a great rapport with my students.

Without Lifecentre and all the supporting staff I would not have got to this place – Thank you.

 

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"the fellowship of sharing in...sufferings"

The Bible, Philippians 3:10

 
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“I never thought I would be able to talk about any of this or that talking would help, but I was wrong. I feel a lot stronger and in control since the Lifecentre have helped me. It hasn’t all gone away, but I feel very well equipped to deal with the darkness in my mind.”

female in her 20’s

 

 

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