I am a survivor.
I am a survivor of ritual abuse.
I am a survivor of sexual, physical and emotional abuse.
I am strong and proud.
I have survived deep depressive episodes, alcoholism and drug addiction.

I am now free to be me, with no apologies to anyone for who I am.

I know who I am, warts and all, and I am a beautiful person, a flawed person, someone with many parts which I accept as part of the whole of me.

I am in recovery, and I continue to heal.

Many times on my journey to integration and pride, I have wanted to die from the pain of my childhood. The suffering I experienced as a little girl felt like dying.

To a small, innocent, vulnerable girl of four the abuse was like a death, strangling the life out of me. There was no one to talk to, no one to turn to. I was alone, and in that aloneness I had to survive... and I did. The best way I knew how, using whatever I could. Repressing, dissociating, numbing out, fantasising, and creating a dream world where the pain and the terror did not exist.

Meeting with the emotional reality of my childhood came in adulthood, after putting down the anaesthetics I used to kill the pain, alcohol and drugs.
I was thirty and so began my healing.

Healing is remembering the truth, and feeling how it felt to be that little girl in the middle of all that torture.

I want to say to you reading this that the journey through the memories and feelings has been tumultuous. It has caused me horrendous pain; it has been post traumatic stress - alive and raw.

Along the way I have wanted the pain to stop. I have wanted to die. I have felt in the core of my being, I am dying from the pain of remembering this trauma, it will never stop. But it has stopped. It took time. It took time to get through, to be free.
Years.
But I have made it. I travelled through it, and I did not kill myself.

The single belief that saved me was, and is, I AM NOT ALONE ANYMORE. And neither are you. There is help and support and love, and many others like us, and we are breathing now!

We share a common bond of understanding, a common bond of surviving a nightmare. We survived in isolation as children. Today, it is different, we can connect with others who have survived, and we can share our story and be believed.

Wherever you are please know you are not alone.
You can live through this.
It is possible.
I have proved that.

Reach out.
Ask for help.
Call the Samaritans.
Call Lifecentre.
Call a friend.
Talk.
Breakout.
Speak up.
This is your life.
The one and only.

Be so proud you have come this far.
Know there are many of us. We can tell the truth and be believed, and recover and heal, to be free from the pain.
There is hope. Hang on to the hope you are not alone in your suffering.

Hold yourself.
There is a way through.
This will pass, and you will resurface with your head above water.

How many times have you been here before?
You made it through then, and you will again.

Breathe.
One second at a time until this passes.
Slowly and with love for the wonderful beautiful child you were.
Hold that child, until she/he feels safe again.

It was not our fault. We deserve to LIVE, to enjoy a blue sky, a hug from a friend, a warm scented bath, a favourite meal, a clean bed, the sound of rain, the smell of flowers, the feel of the wind.
Think of your favourite things.

Breathe. One second at a time.

Believe. This will pass.

Believe. You are NOT alone.

Pick up the phone and talk to someone, that despair and isolation you feel can be heard.

You are not alone.